The love child of Mike Hunt and Harry Johnson takes the gavel

So you thought that the Republican party had reached its lowest depths. You thought there couldn’t be a Speaker more feckless than McCarthy. You thought there couldn’t be a Speaker more extremist than Jordan. You thought there couldn’t be a Speaker more stupider (sic) than Boebert-Gaetz-MTG. Well, you were wrong. Digging ever lower into the seemingly endless abyss of the Republican brain trust, Team GOP managed to come together to unanimously select a pol more feckless, extremist, and stupider (sic) than all prior pretenders to the Republican House throne: Mike Johnson.

Turns out, Mike is one of the biggest Johnsons in recent memory in Washington DC.

You see, in his prior career, Mike was a “legal crusader” for the cause of Young Earth Creationism. Young Earth Creationists live under the persistent delusion that 100% of scientific knowledge painstakingly built over the past half millenium is completely wrong. They fervently believe the Earth is only about 6000 years old, that the Canaan mountain god Yahweh (one of the 70 children of the sky god El) created the entire universe in a literal seven days, planting Adam and Eve in a garden alongside dinosaurs, and let them flourish for awhile, and then in a fit of rage he murdered every single human being except for one family of 8 people who were saved by a 600 year old man who built a big boat and loaded it with two of each of the world’s millions of species, including dinosaurs. In this world view, the fundamental underpinning of biology is a fantasy, as is chemistry, physics, geology, and every other field of science. These people make moon landing deniers seem rational by comparison.

Johnson represented the Ark Encounter creationist theme park, the brainchild of daffy Australian creationist Ken Ham (thanks, Australia, for giving us Murdoch and Ham. At least you can blame the Kiwis for Ray Comfort.) How nutty is Ham? He wrote, “We can say, 100 percent absolutely for sure, that people lived with dinosaurs!” Exclamation point included. Yes, he is exactly that stupid: he thinks the Flintstones is a documentary.

Johnson summarized his view of the creationism exhibit this way: “The Ark Encounter is one way to bring people to this recognition of the truth, that what we read in the Bible are actual historical events.”

Yes. Actual historical events. Talking snakes. Magical fruit. A massive worldwide flood that would be literally impossible. A 600 year old boat builder housing and feeding millions of animal pairs. And an infantile deity willing to murder virtually the entire human (and non human) population in a fit of rage over his own failures as a creator. How very pro life.

What a perfect selection to be two steps away from the presidency, and overseeing the government in the midst of international crisis, environmental destruction, and the dawn of AI.

Mike Johnson gave an excellent data point yesterday on what we can expect from him and the House for the next year. In the aftermath of the gruesome mass shooting of 18 people in Lewiston, Maine, Johnson’s response was, “Now is the time for prayer”.

Fuck you, you worthless dimwit.

What, me worry? I’m not concerned about America and the world. Not one bit. We’re in good hands.


Notify of
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Lee Lang
Noble Member
Lee Lang(@lee-lang)
7 months ago

“Now is the time for prayer”

Might want to try something else because it looks like all this praying is making God madder. The more prayers said the more shootings seem to happen.

Rainbow Dash
Rainbow Dash(@rainbow-dash)
7 months ago

“What, me worry?”

Famed Member
7 months ago

I love that swearing on the Buy-bull meme!

Epic Eric A.C.
Active Member
Epic Eric A.C.(@epic-eric-a-c)
7 months ago

Very well said, JGorn! Reminds me of the admonishment Ramon hurls at the fundamentalist elders who worship the Great ‘Guin in Happy Feet: “You are a nation of peeny-weeny, piffling, piccolini, piddly-diddly poof!”

Noble Member
7 months ago

Has this guy ever met a delusion or conspiracy theory he didn’t believe?

Original content copyright © The FAFO Chronicles or individual member authors. Other content containing copyright material owned by identified sources is either used by permission, or is believed to fall under the "fair use" doctrine of the US Copyright Office. If you believe your copyright has been infringed, contact the site administrator and such content will be promptly removed.
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x